It’s not easy to navigate the existential fever dream of dating apps. Tinder has a funny way of making nothing feel real as you continuously swipe right and left on people with entire lives you don’t know anything about, and don’t really care to know of either. Out of curiosity/ongoing loneliness this weekend, I decided to try out the app Hinge. It is supposedly “designed to be deleted”, a dating app where you are assumed to be looking for something more than just a one night stand or casual fling. I’m not looking for a hookup, and also I’m banned from Tinder (a story for another day), so I threw myself into the void and gave it a shot. 

I have never seen so many white guys talk about how much they love running, hiking, and climbing mountains. I began to worry that this app was designed to promote some kind of outdoor exercise propaganda, something that I would never let myself submit to. As I flipped through dozens of men named Joseph whose profiles consisted of pictures of them either rock climbing or cracking open a cold one with the boys, I started to question my own sanity. Conversations with these people were ultimately deemed fruitless - and it was mostly my fault. It’s fun flirting until someone actually wants to meet up with you. No thanks, even though that is basically the sole purpose of the app. As soon as any of these Adirondack-climbing-bungee-jumping dudes would ask me out for drinks or coffee, I would squint at their profiles and become suddenly and increasingly bothered by their photos and traveling quotes. The more I matched with them, the more all of their profiles melded together and blurred in my brain as one picture of a tall guy grinning in front of a mountain with a caption above his head that says, “LOVES OUTDOORS!”

I brought up Hinge with one of my friends and she told me about her last experience with the app, which she had been using for almost a year. Her last date was the most memorable, which I am sharing with you with her permission, of course. 

My friend spoke to this guy on Hinge and things were going fine through text. They met immediately that night because they were both free and they went out to eat, then went back to his car to smoke weed. Things seemed alright up until this point, and then he got very high and started talking about his ex girlfriend and their breakup. My friend, also high, awkwardly patted his head and asked him when it happened. He said they broke up just two nights ago, and then started tearing up and saying he made a mistake and needed to let his ex know. Before my friend could say, “Know what?”, this dude just started driving. Towards his ex girlfriend’s house. Insane, but extremely funny. My friend got out of the car and sat in a Taco Bell nearby and ate Doritos Locos Tacos until she felt like going home after that entire debacle. I guess Hinge really is designed to be deleted!

I might go hiking one day. Likely not today, tomorrow, or anytime soon. Meeting people through online dating is a “might” for right now too. I can’t say that I will miss this app and its abundance of “free spirits”, but I will miss the deep conversation. “Hey.” “Hey what’s up?” “Nice butt u wanna hang out tomorrow night? I live in Brooklyn.” “Lol”. It’s hard to replace something so sentimental, but I guess I will try! In the meantime, my romantic endeavors have come to a halt. I think I will go running tomorrow to see what the fuss is all about. 

Afsana AhmedComment