DEATH AND ALL OF ITS FRIENDS
August 31, 2007. Almost 12 years later and I still struggle... The day you died, I broke. I changed. We all did. These were the days of Myspace and the song you had, I can never hear again. It’s still too painful.
Tears fall as I sit here. I remember the call, the physical space I was in, the feeling... everything. I talked with you hours before and then you were gone.
While sleeping at a friend's house the call came. I remember Livi and Kaitlin calling over and over again. Multiple voicemails were left but I was on West Coast time and still asleep. Once I was fully awake, I learned that my best friend was officially dead. You were gone. You were the confident/ didn't give a fuck/ the world is mine, kind of woman, too.
I experienced so much personal growth with you by my side. Your family became my family. When my appendix decided to no longer work, you laid in bed with me for days, and had your dad bring us Outback Steakhouse-- you always had my back when I needed it. The moment I met you at the Daytona Beach Cheer Competition, I knew it was meant to be. After a few short days you, Livi, and I were inseparable. I felt I finally met my team. After I moved the Vegas, you came to visit and those are memories that still can’t ever be topped. We went to each other's high school graduations. We even talked about going to college together... not doing that is literally my biggest regret. Maybe if we would have, we could have been somewhere else, doing something else, and you wouldn’t have died. I live with this thought and I still live without you.
After learning about your death, I loved you so deeply, and my body knew it and it knew I had lost something very big. The loss of a best friend at 18 years old was so emotionally painful that I physically manifested my depression and within 24 hours, I was in the hospital with ovarian cyst explosions.
I was stuck in Vegas and you were finally resting in our home: Tampa, Fl. I have never had the true opportunity to say goodbye. The funeral happened, but I was not in attendance and never had the chance to fully say goodbye… and even after all this time, I still don’t want to.
I called your phone for many months to follow, just to hear your voice on your voicemail welcome message. The number eventually changed but the memories never have.
You were my best friend, you are still my best friend, and I LOVE you.