I AM NOT GRATEFUL FOR AFFIRMATIONS

After a pretty rough senior year of college, I decided to start a self love kick right after my twenty-second birthday. The first thing I found after googling “self love”, “self help”, and “what am i doing with my life lol” was a term called “Affirmations”. Affirmations are positive statements that you say to yourself in order to promote a healthy attitude about your life. I read through blogs about affirmations and watched Youtube videos of women looking themselves in the mirror in the morning and saying things like, “You are smart. You are beautiful. You are a goddess.”

I remember waking up the next day and standing in front of the bathroom mirror, rubbing my half open eyes, hair falling out of my bun, my pajamas ready to be smeared with accidental-toothpaste-drops. I told myself I would try to say those positive affirmations in the mirror, and I am telling you, I tried. I can’t explain just how uncomfortable it is to look yourself in the eye and say something nice. I started cracking up because it felt so corny and lame to call myself beautiful and smart in front of a mirror. This is really stupid. Who do I think I am, calling myself beautiful at 7 in the morning when I look like the raccoon rummaging through trash in our neighborhood? I am not that smart, and certainly not a goddess. Only Beyonce should be allowed to do this.

I know that for some people, being grateful and positive comes easy. Unfortunately for me, I cringe at self help quotes pasted on pictures of sunsets. Once I bought “Eat, Pray, Love” for three dollars at a book sale and rolled my eyes through chapters I could bear myself to read (dramatic, I know.). I downloaded mindfulness apps that told me “soothing” things while I was supposed to breathe in and out for ten minutes, but honestly, that gave me even more anxiety. For some reason, none of these things ever just feel genuine to me. I hate that I am naturally such a negative, cynical person that complains about everything and doesn’t know how to accept good things in her life. It’s not a great way to be, especially if you already suffer from any form of mental illness such as clinical depression.

Ok, so I want to be more grateful, and I want to be more positive, but self-help books and talking to myself in the mirror just isn’t for me. And that’s fine. Changing your mindset looks different for everybody, and people use some pretty unique ways to feel better. I have friends that use astrology and tarot cards to help them, friends that get more involved with their health and fitness goals, friends who pick up new hobbies like painting, etc. I personally do not believe that any specific book, podcast, or meditation app can help me love myself more because it feels unnatural and foreign to connect with a medium that seems so far away from me. For example, if I’m listening to a podcast about mindfulness, I feel so removed from what the host is saying because they don’t know me and I don’t know them, that the disconnect prevents me from absorbing the message they are trying to relay. So just like my parents telling me to become a lawyer, I fully ignore it. 

What has helped me, a Pessimistic Patty (as my friends lovingly tease me), become a little bit more grateful is spending time with the people I love and care for the most and getting out of my comfort zone. Spending time with my closest friends brings me so much pure joy and appreciation for the wonderful people in my life. Getting out of my comfort zone by meeting new people or taking a class for something I’ve never tried makes me feel thankful to live a life where I am privileged enough to try new things. So 1) being around loved ones and 2) having new experiences. And therapy. And snuggling with my cat. Hopefully I can keep finding more ways to stay grateful. My goal this week is to go to a yoga class and then try Popeyes’ new spicy chicken sandwich… I’ll keep you guys posted. 

Afsana AhmedComment